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And laughter is the best medicine, isn’t it?
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A family member is under the mistaken impression that I am a huge collector of Winnie the Pooh. I am not.
So for several years now, she has given me Pooh things and I have passed them on to goodwill. I feel terrible, principally because she is wasting her money. I would like her to stop giving me these things but I fear she might be crushed when I mention it.
Will you crush her for me?
Pooh is #2
Stop it right now. Your BAM relative is not a child, she is a grown-ass woman. And apparently a kind one, or she would roll her eyes when she unwraps the Frozen wrapping paper with the blue and silver ribbon only to find a Pooh water bottle that will be “just so perfect for the gym.”
Neither will the Pooh hair ties, head band, ankle socks, or best of all, teapot.
Your heart is (probably) in a right place. But you see, being a Pooh Pusher is on par with assuming that a woman who likes cats would truly love a tea kettle, tea cozy, tea caddie, and a set of matching mugs, all in the glorious image of her lovely Maine Coone.
Would you like that? No. You wouldn’t.
So the next time your BAM relative needs a gift, think about something that’s as badass as she is.
If you need ideas, let us know.
Posted September 17, 2016
My mother in law is coming to visit in two months. She insists that my going to the gym to work out is unnecessary, that I should instead be focusing all of my time on my children. I love my children, but I also value that time away from them. I need to work out, but I also don’t want to cause a family fight. What should I do? Can you tell her what I’m feeling?
Winter Is Coming (In the Form of my Meddling MIL)
Dear Meddling MIL,
Hi. Have you heard of us? We’re BAMmy and we’re here to pump…your daughter in law up. (Metaphorically. She’s not on the juice.)
Here’s the thing MMIL: your daughter-in-law works very hard. What you don’t see is that she shoulders the lion’s share of the work around the place. She is chief butt wiper and bottle washer. She handles homework and first aid, conflict mediation and snuggles. She is awesome at it.
And…sometimes, after cooking your son dinner and raising his darling genetic spawn, she needs a few minutes to herself. Maybe she goes to the gym to work on her kegels because your side of the family is responsible for those giant babies she has birthed and she is tired of peeing a little whenever she sneezes. Maybe the Zumba instructor is a super hot Brazilian and a girl likes to look. Maybe just goes to the gym to use the bathroom without someone crying at the door or trying to climb into her lap and shower long enough to both wash her hair and shave her legs. You don’t know. And it is none of your business.
Here’s the rub, MMIL: Whatever the reason she goes, LET HER. This falls firmly in a category labeled Things About Which You Get No Say. Going to the gym makes her healthy, happy, and a better parent. You should be applauding her. And telling her you’ll make dinner while she is out. And asking if maybe she wants to stay out a bit longer, if there is anything she wanted to do by herself tonight while you watch the children, feed them, clean up after them, bathe them, read to them, fetch another cup of water, and scare the monsters in the closet away.
You will be exhausted after living just two hours of her life. And maybe in need of a spot of alone time?
Your daughter in law does so much for your son and his family. Say “thank you” and support her. That’s it. No questions or opinions needed.
Posted September 17, 2016
I just don’t know what to do. My husband I just found out that our son has been having trouble at school and, oddly, has taken up vaping. Weird, right? I don’t even know what to say to him.
Where do I start?
Vapid Vaper’s Mom
Dear Vapid Vaper,
You’re the son of a BAM, which makes you awesome and badass by default. And yet, we have to tell you – we have never met a vaper who was not also an enormous tool.
Don’t be a tool, V V.
P.S. Also, we have no idea just how bad these things are for you because they have not existed for very long, but at the very least they have high levels of formaldehyde and you can ask the frog you dissected in biology class how well that is working out for him. We know you think you are invincible, but one day you will look like your dad. You’ll look worse if you smoke–vape or otherwise.
P.P.S. We already mentioned the part about them making you look like a tool, right?